Bare Breasts Save Lives

Hey, speaking of the Jackson family, do you all remember Janet's infamous Nip Slip at the Superbowl a couple of years ago? Remember how it was the top story on every station, and on the front page of every paper? Remember how parents, old people and prudes all over the country cried in outrage at the sight of of a simple breast?

Well, I do. The reaction from my family was one of shock and awe. You'd think we'd have just been bombed by those pesky Japanese again. Mom and dad didn't pay attention to a single pass throughout the second half, but rather talked about morals, decency, and the corruption of society. Like this single titty was the second coming of AIDS, destined to wipe out all of mankind.

It's no secret that males everywhere are powerless against a perfect breast. For ages we've been trying to comprehend its power, but as of yet have no defense against it. Ask any cop who's let a D-cup go with a warning, or anybody who's been distracted by a hot jogger's bouncing funbags.

But for those of you out there who insist that nothing good ever comes from the majestic form of a naked female body, consider this. During the takeover of Nakatomi Tower, John McClane was literally cornered - IN the corner office. No fewer than three armed terrorists were coming his way, and would have had him dead to rights in a matter of seconds. But WAIT! What's that in the office next to Holly's? BOOBIES! That drunk blonde girl, who apparently had been moments away from taking her office romance to the next level, serves as the perfect distraction. What's curious here is that it takes ALL THREE of the local goons to make sure the topless blonde is under control - which, of course, gives McClane just enough time to make his getaway. As a side note, and as my partner Ellis mentioned in another post, McClane is not immune to boob power, either. He actually takes pause to say hello to a picture from a nudy magazine AS he's being chased with men with guns.

Bottom line is that, look, boobs really do make the world go round. Men everywhere depend on them right from infancy, and they control every subsequent aspect of our lives. You don't believe me? Try this: Next time you're in a life or death situation, find the closest hot chick and rip her shirt off. You MIGHT get slapped in the face, but you WILL walk away with your life.