Shut It Down. Shut It Down, Now.

First of all, it's important to note that any man who works in a sewer is not competent enough to ask for identification when you need a power grid shut down. Remember that, kids. When FBI agents Johnson and Johnson have run out of cards to play against Hans Gruber and his gang of merry men, they decide to take it up a notch - by shutting off the power.

When I first saw this movie as a kid, I didn't get it. I mean I was WAY too old to be afraid of the dark. Aside from the fact that the power play (no pun intended) was an essential part of Gruber's plan, I didn't understand what it was supposed to accomplish. Where the terrorists supposed to throw their hands up and surrender because things in Nakatomi just got slightly darker?

But now I think I understand a little more clearly. Power outages are annoying as hell. You can't watch TV, you can't listen to your boom box, and you can't update your status on Facebook. It might not be life-threatening on the surface, but if you have milk or dairy in your fridge, it can indeed turn out to be a very dangerous game. Plus, have you ever had to take a piss in the dark? It's a mess.

So take this for what it's worth. One of my buddies has had my first season of 24 for several months, and I want it back - but I'm too much of a sissy to confront him face-to-face. But that doesn't mean I won't get it back. I drive through his neighborhood every day, just waiting for the afternoon when there's an inept maintenance man peeking out of a manhole. Once the power is out at Henry's house, I know his immediate safety won't be threatened, but I know he won't be watching my DVD, either.

Leadership qualities are a must in any job

Hans Gruber probably has an awesome resume. Well, he would have if he hadn't fallen off a building. He was able to successfully round up dozens of drunk hostages, extract billions of dollars worth of shit from a safe, and coordinate and lead many terrorists from different ethnicities and backgrounds. All while sitting from a desk. His undoing was incompetence that he could not control - one American cowboy running amuk while his idiot subordinates couldn't shoot him even when they had two minutes to line up a shot on a roof. Hans has to take shit into his OWN hands by making sure explosives were properly wired and packing up the goods after his associates get gunned down.

That type of initiative shows drive and leadership qualities, all good things to highlight on a resume. I don't have any hostage-taking experience so I have no idea what to put on my resume as far as leadership is concerned. The best I came up with was I am a level 80 Blood Elf Mage that once led a successful raid on a troll brigade in the dark realms of Elwynn Forest. My team put their lives in my hands and I did not disappoint.

One Asian Henchman is as Good as any 10 Germans

First of all, I am of German descent so don't get all pissy. But anybody who's seen Die Hard will be hard pressed to argue with the facts. For his hostile takeover of Nakatomi Tower, Hans Gruber seems to have assembled a virtual who's who of Eurotrash criminals, so the two that stand out the most are Theo, the black guy, and Uli, the Asian. Intentionally or not, the two guys not of European descent are the two guys that Hans needs most. Theo is instrumental to Hans' mission, and to prove he's much more than just the token black guy (that would be Argyle), he also wears glasses. That said, he also spends most of the movie in the same chair.

Then there's Uli. Hans' fu mancho sporting henchman is literally everywhere during the siege, from the roof to the lobby, to the stairway in between. At first, it seems his only job is to help plant C4 up on the roof, which of course is a major part of the plan. He's also seen on the 30th floor from time to time, helping to guard the hostages. So right there, he's already earning his cut of the loot. But then Hans' men start dying and Uli's responsibilities multiply. Between winging a platoon of SWAT officers on the building's front step, and escorting 30 hostages to the roof all by his lonesome, Hans Gruber would have been screwed without Uli. Even Karl, his official #2, must have been jealous.

Successful Women Make Terrible Wives

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about women in the workplace. There are plenty of women around my office, and I couldn't be happier. I mean the more they do, the less I have to. Let's face it, this isn't the 1950's anymore, and there's something exceedingly sexy about a professional woman who can carry her own weight. I, for one, don't have the patience to be any kind of breadwinner, and would not be intimidated in the least by a lady who brings home the bacon. As long as she's hot.

So let's look at the female protagonist in Die Hard, one Holly McCla... I mean Gennaro. We're never given the specific details of how she got this job, or the exact conversation that led to her moving all the way across the country to take it. So she grabs the kids, changes her name, hires some Mexican help, and then has the nerve to get mad at her husband for staying behind to tend to HIS job. So when he shows up at the Nakatomi Christmas party looking for a happy reunion, all he gets is a hard time.

So, fine. They don't exactly see eye-to-eye when it comes to balancing their romance with their respective professions. There are a lot of couples that have that problem. But what REALLY gets to me is how ungrateful this woman is. Sure, she gives him hugs and kisses after he risks his ass to save hers out in LA (never mind the Dulles Airport situation). But after that, she has the nerve to separate from him, god knows how many times, because he DRINKS too much? I mean sure, he took bullets, fists, shrapnel, and shards of glass to save her, but then he wanted to have a beer afterward? WELL, we can't have THAT, now can we?

So, if Holly has taught me anything, it's that I don't ever need to get married. If there's ever a hostage situation at MY place of business and I somehow manage to elude capture, the hell with trying to save anybody. I'm going the @#$ home and having a beer.

There are no such things as can't win scenarios

McClane is the mother of all improvisers. Exhibit A: taping a gun to his back when all hope appeared to be lost. He was in a no-win situation at the time - no shirt or shoes, Hans was packing up the goods, Huey Lewis had the jump, and his wife's cleavage was spilling out. This was kind of like my Christmas party, except I was wearing shoes.

Let this be an inspiration to us all, especially those who are severely obese. I see these folks and I think they are in a can't win scenario. I'll see them at a restaurant and I will think, "Damn pudgy, why don't you work out or something." Then I will see a fat guy actually out for a jog and I will think, "Seriously, what is the point, lardass? Watching you run is just disgusting." This can't win scenario can be easily solved if the behemoth in question secured a gun to his back with festive wrapping tape. Actually, this might not work because the gun would undoubtedly get lost in all of the layers of skin. It would be like Jabba the Hut dropping a Cheeto onto himself. That thing is gone forever.

If you pretend to read from a book, people will take you more seriously

To command the attention of frantic hostages, Hans Gruber doesn't start yelling incoherently or firing guns in the air. Nope, he opens some random book and pretends to read.

If you don't know how to read, this would be an awesome thing to do all the time. People would take you much more seriously. Lets say you are illiterate, lonely, fat, hungry, wearing sweatpants and going to KFC. If you pretend to read from a book when you order the Family Feast with extra slaw, the KFC guy will definitely respect you more. He will probably think you are a doctor or a professor.

Hot women grow on airports

It is no wonder McClane elected to save Dulles Airport from bad guys in Die Hard 2 - what would happen to all the beautiful ladies? McClane realized early on in Die Hard 1 that airports are the place to see hot chicks when he saw that busty blond jump into the arms of her steroid-freak boyfriend. McClane seems a little surprised, but I guess he is a dead-beat dad who doesn't ever hop on a plane to visit his kids, so airports are kind of a foreign concept.

If you want to see hot women go to one of two places: Atlanta, Georgia (trust me) or the airport. I am not talking about those podunk airports out in Kansas, I mean the real deal - O'Hare in Chicago. O'Hare is like the Garden of Eden of sexy women. You literally can't go five steps without seeing one. And the best part about hooking up with caliente airport women? There is no chance of a long term relationship - in a couple hours they will be halfway across the country never to be seen again. Unless you are that chick from Denver that filed a paternity suit against me, in which case my lawyer recommends I fly to Colorado to smooth things over. Back to the airport for me!