Send in the Car...

I don't know exactly what "the car" is, but it's pretty badass, isn't it? So bad ass, in fact, that every other car on the road scrambles to get out of its way.

After the first wave of SWAT guys is kneecapped on the front step of Nakotomi Tower, the officers outside realize these hostage-takers aren't kidding around. Al Leong and Huey Lewis clearly mean business in there. So, instead of wasting any more guys, they immediately go for the one and only ace up their collective sleeve.

Next thing we know, "the car" is rolling in to save the day. And this thing is AWESOME. It goes through railings, it goes up stairs, and it... well, okay, we don't really see it do anything else. But it must be rocket proof, right? Uh, no. Fire proof? Doesn't look like it. But I bet it gets great gas mileage.

Anyway, it's a shame we never got to see this tank-like vehicle do more damage. I have to wonder, though - after securing the lobby, what was Phase 2? I'd love to see them maneuver that thing into the elevator to get up to the 30th floor.

New technology is always confusing

Check out the screen grab of McClane trying to figure out how to use a touch screen. The man looks like he is trying to decipher a quantum physics equation written in ancient Latin. Imagine giving McClane an iPhone - he would probably beat you over the head with it.

New technology is always scary to people, and quite frankly I am still getting used to some of this shit. I've had a GPS in my car for almost two years and I still find myself talking to the GPS lady like she is sitting next to me in the car. Worse, I feel bad when she has to "recalculate" the directions when I divert to pick up a pack of smokes on my way to the strip club. I feel like she is disappointed in me - not for objectifying women - but for making her redo the directions. I mean, if she didn't want me to go to the strip club, she wouldn't tell me turn-by-turn how to get there, right?

Smoking only makes you stronger

I personally think smoking is a pretty disgusting habit, but McClane sucked them down like he was trying to start a fish tank siphon vacuum for 2 hours straight. Regardless of the unfortunate side effects of smoking - yellow teeth, cancer, death - McClane treated them as Popeye does spinach. Maybe I have been wrong about smoking all of these years, and the more I smoke the better the aim with my gun will be when I shoot hostiles.

In Illinois they banned smoking inside bars and restaurants, and it is nice to come home from a night out and not smell like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. I went to Wisconsin recently - a lawless state filled with drunks and large women - and the second I walked into a bar I was overwhelmed by smoke and cancer. I told the dozens of rowdy Wisconsites I did not appreciate them smoking in my presence, and they told me to "eat shit". Well, one thing led to another, and now the only thing that is smoking are their battered corpses as their souls escape through their mouths, as the Native Americans prophesied.

John McClane is an American patriot

I do not remember that much from American history in high school. In the oft day I would show up to class, I would typically doodle war scenes on my notebook depicting Colonel Ears and his team of ragtag bunnies waging an epic, nuclear battle against turtle invaders from Planet Shell. After seeing that sentence typed on my screen, I think I finally understand why I didn't get laid more often in high school.

From my vague memory of amendments and constitutions in history class, John McClane seems to embody every quality we would want in a flag-waving American citizen. I believe the 1st amendment had something to do with doing and saying whatever the hell you want, and if that is true, then they should put McClane's face on our currency. The guy smoked, drank, brought a gun on an airplane, blew up a building, and basically was a huge ass to anyone that had it coming. Okay, despite the part about bringing a gun on an airplane (which would make you a terrorist, traitor), McClane IS the ultimate American. That is why every non-American person on the planet hates Americans; we are self-righteous, arrogant pricks that do things our way. If you don't want to do it our way, then eff off.

If any of our founding fathers were alive today - Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Charleton Heston - they would probably smoke two packs a day and shoot Germans at will, like just John-boy. Man, McClane would have been awesome in World War 2. Better head back to the laboratory to work on the time machine - and they told me I was a fool at the science fair! Who is having the last laugh now?

Shooting the glass is really useful

McClane is a wily bastard. If you are in the same room as him he is basically impossible to shoot. Actually, he is impossible to shoot anywhere - stairwell, roof, airport, driving big rig truck down freeway - so, don't even bother. If you would manage to get a bullet into McClane, it would most likely be to the fleshiest part of the shoulder. Pointless, basically.

I imagine I would be the same way - bullets flying every direction while I effortlessly dodge them, meanwhile I let off a couple of rounds into those rival gang members and make off with the stolen goods. Man, last night was awesome.

If anyone does their homework on me or McClane, it should be known your best bet is to shoot the shit around us instead of directly at us. The law or rogue gunmen do not concern nimble badasses like us - but a wayward pipe falling in my direction would scare the piss out of me. Hans and Karl had the right idea when they shot the glass around McClane, exploiting the man's only weakness. This weakened and battered McClane's precious feet, but lucky for him, those pesky terrorists were too busy celebrating their daft maneuver than to follow the blood trail and McClane's crippled body. Cunning strategy.

What was this post about again? Right, shooting the glass is a brilliant move in any type of hostile situation. I tried it once, and it was a great success. I totally kicked ass in my sand volleyball tournament.

Good Help is Hard to Understand

I don't have children, and chances are I never will. And while I can't completely fathom the bond between parent and child, I have to believe it's pretty deep. I mean, I have a dog, and I love that little bastard to death. So when I have to work late or go out of town, I always make sure he's in good hands. I investigate every kennel, and personally interview every dog-sitter. When it comes to the health and safety of my terrier, I leave nothing to chance. I imagine that with children, it's the same thing. Right?

So I can't help but question how thorough Holly's search for a babysitter was before she settled on Paulina. Do you think she interviewed anybody else for the position? Or did she just swing by the Home Depot parking lot and find herself a bargain? I mean, Paulina seems nice and all, but I'd think that fluent English would be one of the qualifications. What if little Lucy had taken a fall down the stairs and required a trip to the emergency room? Do you think Paulina could have given the doctors a full recap of the accident, much less any allergies or medical conditions?

I, for one, love Mexicans. Their food is good, their women are hot, and their tequila is strong. But on the other hand, I also love speaking English. Whether I'm trying to order a Whopper or trim my sideburns, I find it much easier to make requests in my native tongue. So when Paulina says things like "Hola, Mrs. Holly" it's kind of a slap in the face. I'll take broken English over fluent Spanish any day. But Holly gets the last laugh by hanging up without saying goodbye. Take THAT, slave labor! "What would I do without you, Paulina?" may or may not have been meant as a rhetorical question. I guess it's kind of irrelevant since rhetorical is a pretty big word for an illegal alien.

Insubordination will get you ahead in your job

McClane and the guy from Family Matters both achieve great success in Die Hard. The main catalyst for this success was not giving a f*** and disobeying orders. They did the job THEIR way, and if it meant blowing up a building, compromising the safety of others by jabbering on an open walkie-talkie line, killing anyone they wanted, or mouthing off to their superior then so the hell be it.

This kind of reminds me of my attitude at work. The other day, my boss brought me into his office, pounded on his desk and said, "That little stunt you pulled at the copy machine cost us four reams of paper, twenty dollars of ink, and backed up accounting's orders for two hours! But, by God, you get the job done." I asked him if the mayor was up his ass about it, and he blushed and told me to leave the room. So, I think the mayor really was up his ass recently. What a couple of rascals!