John McClane is an American patriot

I do not remember that much from American history in high school. In the oft day I would show up to class, I would typically doodle war scenes on my notebook depicting Colonel Ears and his team of ragtag bunnies waging an epic, nuclear battle against turtle invaders from Planet Shell. After seeing that sentence typed on my screen, I think I finally understand why I didn't get laid more often in high school.

From my vague memory of amendments and constitutions in history class, John McClane seems to embody every quality we would want in a flag-waving American citizen. I believe the 1st amendment had something to do with doing and saying whatever the hell you want, and if that is true, then they should put McClane's face on our currency. The guy smoked, drank, brought a gun on an airplane, blew up a building, and basically was a huge ass to anyone that had it coming. Okay, despite the part about bringing a gun on an airplane (which would make you a terrorist, traitor), McClane IS the ultimate American. That is why every non-American person on the planet hates Americans; we are self-righteous, arrogant pricks that do things our way. If you don't want to do it our way, then eff off.

If any of our founding fathers were alive today - Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Charleton Heston - they would probably smoke two packs a day and shoot Germans at will, like just John-boy. Man, McClane would have been awesome in World War 2. Better head back to the laboratory to work on the time machine - and they told me I was a fool at the science fair! Who is having the last laugh now?