There are no such things as can't win scenarios

McClane is the mother of all improvisers. Exhibit A: taping a gun to his back when all hope appeared to be lost. He was in a no-win situation at the time - no shirt or shoes, Hans was packing up the goods, Huey Lewis had the jump, and his wife's cleavage was spilling out. This was kind of like my Christmas party, except I was wearing shoes.

Let this be an inspiration to us all, especially those who are severely obese. I see these folks and I think they are in a can't win scenario. I'll see them at a restaurant and I will think, "Damn pudgy, why don't you work out or something." Then I will see a fat guy actually out for a jog and I will think, "Seriously, what is the point, lardass? Watching you run is just disgusting." This can't win scenario can be easily solved if the behemoth in question secured a gun to his back with festive wrapping tape. Actually, this might not work because the gun would undoubtedly get lost in all of the layers of skin. It would be like Jabba the Hut dropping a Cheeto onto himself. That thing is gone forever.