Murdering people is okay, provided you inscribe a Christmas joke on the corpse

I have never murdered anyone, nor do I plan to. I fall into the Seinfeld category, where if I really, really hated someone, I would opt for years of subtle mind games on the victim. Insanity trumps lack of breathing. Still, if an intruder ever barged into my house (god forbid) and I was forced to defend my keep against the hostiles, I would certainly need to finish my self defense spree with a little humor to keep my own sanity. (Like that? In the literary world we call that "coming full circle").

When McClane kills the blond terrorist from a workout video, he scribbled "Ho, Ho, Ho" on his lifeless corpse. Bloody brilliant. Helps McClane keep a level head. I mean, he just killed a man, right? He just saved himself 30 years of therapy bills with a little holiday humor. I have decided that if an intruder enters my home and I shoot him up to kingdom come, I really hope it is around a holiday, such as Easter. Then I can write, "Only one person rose from the dead at this time of year" or something like that. Then me and the cops will have a good laugh.

Always Have an Exit Strategy

Whether you're going to war with a foreign country, hooking up with a girl you probably won't respect in the morning, or knocking over an LA high rise with a team of anonymous henchman, it's ALWAYS a good idea to have a way out.

Hans Gruber's plan to flee the scene of the crime was both brilliant in nature and incredibly short-sided. Let's imagine for a moment, that everything goes according to plan. They jack the vault, blow the roof, and make their getaway in the ambulance stashed away in the back of their cargo truck. Genius, really, unless you're one of Gruber's gunmen. I can't believe that during the ride to Nakatomi, when Gruber's crew was crammed into the truck with said ambulance, not a one of them thought to ask: "How the hell are we all going to fit in this thing?" I mean how many bodies does your typical ambulance hold? Six, maybe? And how many terrorists were there? That's right - TWICE that many.

If I know Gruber like I think I do, he was well aware of this. He doesn't seem like the type to watch his henchmen pile into a tiny ambulance like it's some sort of clown car or Mexican transport. No, it's my contention that Hans KNEW his numbers would be thinned by the end of the night, and he wasn't planning on bringing the whole gang with him on the way out. So it's actually a good thing McClane started picking off terrorists one at a time. Each one of Gruber's men that bit the dust was a bigger cut of money for the rest of them, and one less he'd have to send up to the roof before it went bang.

Sometimes I wonder how Die Hard 2 would have been different if Gruber and a few of his boys had successfully executed their escape plan. Nothing against Colonel Stewart and his gang of Mercs, but a second round of Gruber vs. McClane would have been AWESOME.

Organization is the key

You would think a boozehound that is behind on child support doesn't have his shit together, but McClane proves that alcoholic, deadbeat dads can have a clear head that is ready to function. McClane needs to remember names and number of terrorists, so he writes that shit on his arm. Nice thinking, John-Boy. What the camera didn't show you was the names of McClane's kids scribbled on his other arm. Those are a little difficult to remember.

For Emergency Use Only

It's hard to imagine, some two decades removed, that Die Hard is an 80's film. Director-extraordinaire John McTiernan has a way of making his films immune to aging with a minimal amount of bad music, outrageous costumes, and crazy hair. Sure, there's some Run-DMC and a pair of leather pants, but it doesn't have the same "HEY, DON'T FORGET THIS IS AN EIGHTIES FILM" theme music as, say, Beverly Hills Cop.

With this in mind, think how bored McClane must have been while NOT gunning down Terrorists. Granted, the whole thing takes place in the course of a single evening, but nobody of today's generation has the patience to sit still for longer than a couple of minutes. And again, this is in an era before cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, and internet porn. THIS is why McClane smokes. I mean what the hell ELSE is he going to do? When *I* have some down time between death-defying shootouts and fist fights, I like to keep in touch with the outside world. A text here, an online quiz there, whatever makes the time go faster.

In 1988, McClane's walkie-talkie was as close as the world had come to a Blackberry or iPhone. So what does he do? He uses it to keep himself occupied. Nevermind clearing the airwaves for official police business; when Johnny Mac has something on his mind, the boys downstairs are going to hear about it. Between passing on love letters to his wife and making play dates for his children, there's plenty to keep him entertained. Want to talk about Twinkies with the big black man outside? Yep, there's an app for that.

Where McClain and I finally disagree

I have learned a lot from McClane, so when I decided to ignore the blog for a while after I got back from Rome I thought it would be awesome. You know, like how McClane ignores his kids. Sure, he carried around pics of his little tikes in his wallet and smiled wistfully at them from time to time, but that doesn't really substitute for a simple phone call. In his defense, their non-English speaking housekeeper was probably confused every time a drunk loose cannon called and sputtered non-nonsensical cop jargon into the phone.

Either way, I am back now. I feel like the cop that got his badge taken away, suspended from the force, but then got the bad guy playing by his own rules. Then the captain would shake my hand and say, "Your methods may have been unorthodox, but welcome back to the team. I am promoting you to senior detective." A triumphant return - that is me. Except when I slam down my badge in the name of what is right, it is a plastic badge I bought at the Halloween store at the mall and the police chief is my dog, Barney. Man, I am so lonely.

Shut It Down. Shut It Down, Now.

First of all, it's important to note that any man who works in a sewer is not competent enough to ask for identification when you need a power grid shut down. Remember that, kids. When FBI agents Johnson and Johnson have run out of cards to play against Hans Gruber and his gang of merry men, they decide to take it up a notch - by shutting off the power.

When I first saw this movie as a kid, I didn't get it. I mean I was WAY too old to be afraid of the dark. Aside from the fact that the power play (no pun intended) was an essential part of Gruber's plan, I didn't understand what it was supposed to accomplish. Where the terrorists supposed to throw their hands up and surrender because things in Nakatomi just got slightly darker?

But now I think I understand a little more clearly. Power outages are annoying as hell. You can't watch TV, you can't listen to your boom box, and you can't update your status on Facebook. It might not be life-threatening on the surface, but if you have milk or dairy in your fridge, it can indeed turn out to be a very dangerous game. Plus, have you ever had to take a piss in the dark? It's a mess.

So take this for what it's worth. One of my buddies has had my first season of 24 for several months, and I want it back - but I'm too much of a sissy to confront him face-to-face. But that doesn't mean I won't get it back. I drive through his neighborhood every day, just waiting for the afternoon when there's an inept maintenance man peeking out of a manhole. Once the power is out at Henry's house, I know his immediate safety won't be threatened, but I know he won't be watching my DVD, either.

Leadership qualities are a must in any job

Hans Gruber probably has an awesome resume. Well, he would have if he hadn't fallen off a building. He was able to successfully round up dozens of drunk hostages, extract billions of dollars worth of shit from a safe, and coordinate and lead many terrorists from different ethnicities and backgrounds. All while sitting from a desk. His undoing was incompetence that he could not control - one American cowboy running amuk while his idiot subordinates couldn't shoot him even when they had two minutes to line up a shot on a roof. Hans has to take shit into his OWN hands by making sure explosives were properly wired and packing up the goods after his associates get gunned down.

That type of initiative shows drive and leadership qualities, all good things to highlight on a resume. I don't have any hostage-taking experience so I have no idea what to put on my resume as far as leadership is concerned. The best I came up with was I am a level 80 Blood Elf Mage that once led a successful raid on a troll brigade in the dark realms of Elwynn Forest. My team put their lives in my hands and I did not disappoint.