I Am Woman, Hear Me Ignore

I've always thought that sexism to its fullest extent follows the old credence "women should be seen, not heard" - Die Hard seems to have this the other way around.

Even in the 1980's, the Los Angeles Police Department was an equal opportunity employer - for better or for worse. Before the likes of Lara Croft and Sydney Bristow ushered in a new era of girl power, feminism wore a much different face, complete with concealer makeup. In fact, the female officers in Die Hard don't kick ass OR take names. Sure, they look pretty. But a fat load of good that does John McClane as he tries to send an SOS from the roof of a besieged Nataktomi Tower.

I suppose, in a pre 9/11 world, anonymous calls on emergency frequencies were no big deal - and the word "terrorist" wasn't such a hot-button. Not even when the call for help is cut short by automatic gunfire in the background do the ladies at dispatch take McClane seriously. And what does this teach us? That women can't be trusted in life-or-death situations. Any amount of professional incompetence can be overlooked - but only as long as they're hot. All I have to say is thank Christ these girls are only working dispatch, and not running around LA with guns. If you HAVE to employ women in your place of business, make sure that they're in a position with the smallest potential for screw-ups.

So, if YOU'RE ever trying to make an emergency call in a life-or-death situation, you're probably better calling a male civilian than a female cop.

Making light of national tragedies is okay, not at all inappropriate

Joseph Takagi is a helluva boss - well-liked amongst his employees, throws great Christmas parties, and is loyal to his company almost to a fault (and by "almost to a fault" I mean getting your brains blown out for not giving up the password to the company safe). And, like any good boss, he is not short on the humorous quips when making conversation with alcoholic estranged husbands, like John McClane. Note this exchange:

MCCLANE: You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.
TAKAGI: Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks.

I'm not quite sure what this joke means, but I am a high school dropout so I am not really surprised. I always thought the scene would have been better if McClane would have countered with:

MCCLANE: My grandfather got killed on the USS Arizona you jerk-off. I am going to rip out your f***ing spine.

That line totally should have been in there, but I am not that good at writing movie scripts. I wrote this one script about this German guy who was trying to impress some visitors at his company, so I stole a line from Die Hard and just changed the words:

VISITOR: You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Germany.
GERMAN BOSS: Hey, we're flexible. The Holocaust didn't work out so we got you with Volkswagens.

Needless to say my script got rejected. Who does this Spielberg guy think he is?

Dress For Success

Say you're Hans Gruber. It's Christmas Eve in LA, and after months and months of scheming, all your plans are about to come to fruition. You have everything mapped out to the tiniest detail, and have spent a small fortune on enough men, guns, and explosives to pull off the heist of the decade. This is your life's work. So, right on schedule, you pull into Tony and Karl's pad to round out your team of gunmen - and what do you see? A couple of bleach-blonde Germans in sweatsuits. Seriously? I mean are these guys on their way to knock over 40-story skyscraper, or going to grandma's for a sleepover? Were these boys on a schedule? Did they just come from the gym? Did Hans not give them time to go back inside and change into something with pockets?

I actually took a required course at MY job (not the international terrorism business, but a business nevertheless) called "Dressing For Success". It was like 45 minutes of mind-numbing boredom but the moral of the story was that you want to look good - but not so good that it makes your boss look bad. Fair enough. When Hans stands next to Tony or Karl, there's really no question who's in charge. But still, they could have found some kind of middle ground as Marco did with his pretty shirt or Uli with his leather pants.

At the end of the day, I guess you want to be comfortable. Knocking over Nakatomi Tower could have proved to be a marathon job, and while everyone else was adjusting their ties and fumbling with their zippers, Tony and Karl were able to keep focused on their work. Good for them, really. I guess the 80's were a different time. I can't believe that these guys had to start firing automatic weapons into the air before the attendants of Takagi's Christmas party realized they didn't really fit in.

Luckily, John McClane was about dressed to match. No shirt, no shoes, no problem. It seems to me that McClane at his worst is equal to or greater than a German henchman at his best.

Airline Employees are Notoriously Easy

Say what you want about McClane, but the guy knows how to pick up chicks that work for the airline. He often does so without trying, such as in Die Hard 2 when an airport desk employee basically offers her eggs for fertilization after McClane rudely grabs a telephone and then playfully acts like he doesn't know how to use a fax machine (note: this was 1990, EVERYONE knew how to use a fax machine. I can't believe she fell for that). That method of courtship, however, required talking on McClane's part, which is a little too much effort if you ask me. Hence, take a look at the scene in Die Hard 1, in which McClane removes a giant stuffed bear from the overhead storage compartment:


Does this look like a woman that simply wishes to thank you for flying Promiscuous Airlines? The last time I was on a plane, the only look I got from a flight attendant was one of utter disdain when I tried to turn on my iPod during takeoff. There was no smoldering eye contact or "meet me in the airport bar for $8.5o beers". I was thoroughly confused. Then I realized I had forgotten to pack my three-foot tall teddy bear with the red bow. Crap. That definitely would have been the deal breaker.

You know exactly what the bear is thinking right now - "Don't do it, McClane. If this happens, you will have to find a large tree to scratch yourself on, ASAP."